Of Being Alone

One day, I will look back to this night and the nights before and will congratulate myself for how strong I had been. Despite the challenges in life and the emotional burdens--I have tackled it ALL BY MYSELF. It is not easy, being in a very demanding job, being a solo parent and an introvert by heart to address the turmoils in life alone. I seek refuge and was declined. Instead, I was treated like a pariah in the process, causing even more stresses in the already stressed and heavy state. As a woman, I already consider myself strong at heart. I thought I was that strong when it failed me, my defenses started to wear off and weakened me down. And who I have to run to? No one. I acted like a person with multiple personality disorder at night or at times when I'm alone trying to pacify myself. Self-treatment. It was not easy but it's the only option I got. Imagine how painful it is to repeatedly remind yourself that you should not entertain feelings. 'Halt, hypothalamus, Halt! Devoid me of emotions, I will entertain you later.' But is there really someone who could master and control the diversity of human nature. Tawo rajud ko, magpakatawo rajud unta ko. Pathetic isn't it? But I still could see the silver-lining to all of these. what does not kill me makes me stronger. I am overruled by the number of reasons I need to live than the number of reasons I need to kill myself. The picture below is the reason why I need to be the strongest.xoxo bugoys!

Cold as You

You have a way of coming easily to me. And when you take, you take the very best of me. So I start a fight cause I need to feel something.And you do what you want cause I'm not what you wanted. Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day. Just walk away, no use defending words that you will never say. And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through. I've never been anywhere cold as you.You put up walls and paint them all a shade of gray. And I stood there loving you and wished them all away. And you come away with a great little story. Of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you. You never did give a damn thing but I cried, cried for you.And I know you wouldn't have told nobody if I died, died for you.

vox emoticon

i am nowhere near perfection but when i make the wrong decisions, you throw stones. i have feelings and could feel pain but you prefer not to see me cry. you know i have good things to share but you don't want to hear my thoughts.you love to see me smile but you don't really know what I've been through.

feel me coz i am vulnerable
help me because i am weak
rescue me coz i'm in pain
listen to me coz i need to be heard

don't you know that i am happiest with you
but when you see me happy
i hope that ul be happy for me also


i am weak because of you
and i am strong because of you


i miss you.xoxo

Staind - So Far Away [OFFICIAL VIDEO]

I am enthralled with this song. Everytime I hear it, I always take a pause and savor it magnificence. The intro guitar riff is simply amazing, please excuse me for lack of a better term. Immortal!!!



Sharing the lyrics also...

This is my life
Its not what it was before
All these feelings I’ve shared
And these are my dreams
That I’ve never lived before
Somebody shake me
Cause I, I must be sleeping

(chorus)
And now that we're here,
So far away
All the struggle we thought was in vain
And all the mistakes,
One life contained
They all finally start to go away
And now that we're here its so far away
And I feel like I can face the day
I can forgive, and I’m not ashamed to be the person that I am today immortal lines! =)These are my words
That I’ve never said before
I think I’m doing ok
And this is the smile
That I’ve never shown before

Somebody shake me
Cause I, I must be sleeping

(chorus)
And now that were here
So far away
All the struggle we thought was in vain
And all mistakes one life contains
They all finally start to go away
And now that were here
So far away
And I feel like I can face the day
I can forgive, and I’m not ashamed to be the person that I am today

I'm so afraid of waking
Please don't shake me
Afraid of waking
Please dont shake me

(chorus)
And now that were here
So far away
All the struggle we thought was in vain
And all the mistakes one life contains
They all finally start to go away
And now that were here
So far away
And I feel like I can face the day
I can forgive, and I’m not ashamed to be the person that I am today

Week 2: Only Reminds Me of You

When you left, not only have I lost a husband, I departed with my bestfriend. YOu were my confidant on shitty days and you were my sole source of relief on disturbingly odd consequences. I thought I would feel better and more used to your absence by now. But not. Hell not!!! I feel worse and this apathy is killing me. And this is what I call exaggeration at its worst form. Forgive me for cursing love songs before, now I could definitely relate to them. huhuhu....

Everywhere I go and everything I do and think of, reminds me of you. And it's becoming more painful every passing day. I have to do something with this prolonged absence of yours. I'm getting a passport not later than May of this year. Apply for a job where you and I could work and raise our family. I don't care how long I will be pushing my luck. Its the best I could do to remedy this irregularity we are in. Families are not designed for prolonged absence, back it up with effin statistics, I'm scared, definitely scared.=(

Week 1:Missing You

This feeling will pass, I'll get used to your absence. I know the kids will understand, sooner or later.

But no matter how I tried to hide from my sadness, keeping myself from crying, they hunt me in my sleep. Nightmare and crying fits at night, I'm defenseless over my subconcious. I am weak over your absence.

Doing the things that we used to do together with the kids are excruciating. But i'm keeping it in mind that I'll get used to this, sooner or later.

I thought i'll never get to experience this feeling coz I've always thought we are inseparable. I am never for this but you believe this is for the best. And so, I will give this to you, no matter how difficult it is for me and the kids. I could handle. I'm the strong one di ba? At first I didn't know, now I realized, I am a cry-baby without you.

Huhuhuhuhuhuh...

Will see how this progress... for week 2. =( I am soo missing you.

Predicament

I had a heart-to-heart talk with my Yaya 2 days ago. I went berserk after baby-sitting my two kids for the whole day when I have expected her to at least spare me from my misery for half a day. The story goes like this:

Last All saints, she asked to go home and I let her. She went home on a Sunday afternoon after my husband got back from work(can u imagine that they required them to work on a Sunday?). She promised to return early on a Tuesday. I told her the gravity of her presence since my husband will be working on a Tuesday(darn that Company. grrrr). Half-day passed, no Yaya! Fortunately, the kids are behaving like heavenly cherubs. At 4 pm, no yaya still. So I called her. She answered my call and told me that she is not even halfway back to our place.

#*&^%&(#*&(*#%&^(&*#&^(Gosh!!! I was so pissed*&(*()))&%^$^&$%#$%#^%&@

I felt like I just had a moment of supernova! Kabboooooooooooooooom!

I texted her a hearty message:

"Jan, di ba nagsabot man ta na mobalik ka dayon? Khibaw bitaw ka na ako ra
isa. Syaro sa kadugay nimo dili jud ka mobati nako? Kung dili ka mobati nako
bisan nalang unta maluoy ka nila dodong b"

I asked help from my brothers and thank God they heeded my SOS. Everything was OK until I got another text this time from my yaya's sister:

"ate, inyo man daw gikasab an maayo ako maguwang. kung wala namo kauyon niya,
papaulia lang siya kay ako lang siya pasudlon ug tarbaho. kapoy na kuno siya
kaayo diha sa inyo. guol na kaayo siya. "

And I was like.. WTFFFFFFFFFFF?! I for one, don't consider myself as a rude and abusive amo. And now she is implying that I have caused her sister anguish, sadness.........Another bigger Supernova!!!!

When the yaya got back are 8 pm! I asked her:

"Jan, dli na diay ka malipayon diri? Ngano diay, giunsa diay ka namo. Di ba trato namo nimo mura raman gani pamilya?"

And here comes the big revelation: "Nakadungog man gud ko istorya sa Pardo ate na giata*-ata* daw ko nimo katong dugay ko nibalik. Ingon pud na ipapulis daw ko nimo kung dili ko mobalik"

I am deeply shocked. Because never in my short or long-term memory did I remember to have said something like that. I don't threaten! It is also not in my nature to curse. But somehow, why do people make up stories or even exaggerate something that I might have said?

I pondered deeply.But the truth, even if it is hard to take, i have to deal with it. There are just people that would drag you down. Even the ones that you thought are family. It's a sad realization. But even so, I shall treat them no less. They should be grateful, I am not someone who plants vengeful schemes. But I swear on my DOg's grave I shall inflict them every known pain possible to mankind if ever they trespassed on me again!

With me and the yaya. I told her that if she is no longer happy, she could leave anytime so long as she will find us a replacement. "For all times sake Jan ba, ayaw pud mi byai na walay puli. Maluoy lang ka, kung dili nako, bisan sa mga bata lang." Those were my parting remarks. She was unresponsive in most of my queries but at least I've got things clear with her. Honestly, I don't want her to leave, but I could not keep her when she is not happy with us.... We are now on healing terms after what has happened. I hope everything will end and part well.